bitterness

i've not been myself for sometime.... I feel like I've been in a deep, dark, dense fog; the fog is finally lifting. As that fog disperses, I see things a little differently than I did before. One such thing is that I've become bitter. The bitterness is not outwardly noticeable, but deep inside it is quite evident.

I'm bitter towards thin people.

I'm bitter towards love.

I'm bitter towards where I am in life.

I don't want to be bitter. I'd like to go back to being slightly naive and happy. I want to feel hopeful and not like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I dont' want to worry about money or if i'll ever find love or have a family. I want to feel like i've led a full, wide, vibrant life. Right now I feel like i'm letting myself down, as well as others. I don't feel vibrant; life is passing me by. I'm hesitant to let people into my life, and my heart. The guys i do let get close to me I know that, in the end, it won't work out... Guys that are available and wonderful, i'm not interested in. And gals? i sometimes feel competitive, not as pretty, and less in general- even though I shouldn't.

Why do I feel this way? I don't know. I'm smart. I'm pretty. I can even be funny. :) I'm empathetic, loving, and stubborn. People like me, but I let my fear and insecurity get the better of me. I've often taken the easy route simply because I can. I want to be a person that looks back on her life without regrets, thinking that I wouldn't change a thing. Unfortunately, as I think back over even the last 5 years, I have regrets. There are several things I would do differently. Mistakes I've made that I would choose not to do over and lessons I could do without learning the hard way.

Since this is real life, I can't rewind and change parts of my life. I'm learning how to forgive myself, and let go of the things I cannot change in my past. I have to trust that God has forgiven me of my sins, big and small, and that He loves me No Matter What. I have to believe that no matter how far *I* feel that I've strayed, it's never too far from Him. It's funny how sometimes it's easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself. There might be people who think that my sins are no big deal, but to me these sins are part of why i've become so bitter.

It's taken time for my "eyes to open" and see that I can let go. I can forgive. And, my life is not dictated by my mistakes. I don't have to be bitter any longer... so I'm working on that :)