default

hmm. I have a default. It makes sense, and explains a few things. I have a default guy. He's the guy that I always go back to when it doesn't work out with other guys. I've programmed myself so that when I "re-boot," I go back to him.

It could be worse, I suppose. He has been the one guy that totally gets who I am and, sometimes, I wonder if he even knows me better than I know myself. He gets my moods. He reads between the lines. My lines. He's funny, has good taste in music, and is incredibly smart. He has a great smile, laugh lines around his eyes, and has one of the best kisses I've ever experienced. So, what's so wrong with this default? Sounds like a good place to go back to, right?

One would think YES. Unfortunately, his great work ethic translates into being a workaholic. I've often wondered if it's really work that occupies his time. Is work really work, or is work someone else? He can go weeks, and yes, even a month or two, and not see me. He used to call all the time, and now i might hear from him 2-3 times a week. He's like the ocean washing up on the sand... he pulls me in and then pushes me away. I will be completely and utterly mad at him, and as soon as I hear his voice my anger dissolves. Why?

Because he's like my favorite old sweatshirt. I love pajamas; I love new pajamas. But still, my favorite thing to wear to bed is my favorite old sweatshirt. It's too big- it hits around mid-thigh, the cuffs are a little ratty and worn, and it's soft and cozy. It's comforting to wear- like a big hug to myself. No matter what new pjs I have... I always go back to that sweatshirt. It's my default. He's my default.

sigh. Life is bittersweet.