need you now

NEED YOU NOW

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor,
Reachin for the phone cause i cant fight it anymore,
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time,

(Chorus)
It's a quarter after one, im all alone and I need you now
I said i wouldnt call but I lost all control and I need you now
And i dont know how I can do without, I just need you now

Another shot of whisky cant stop lookin at the door
Wishin you'd come sweepin in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
For me it happens all the time..

(Chorus)
Its a quarter after one im a little drunk and I need you now
I said i wouldnt call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I dont know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all...

Its a quarter after one im all alone and I need you now,
and I said I wouldnt call but im a little drunk and I need you now
and I dont know how I can do without,
I just need you now
I just need you now

Oh baby I need you now

*****************************************

I need you now...

I wonder if I ever cross your mind. Ever. Have you completely blocked me from your memory? Have you put me in a box and placed me on the shelf... or even further away? How could you tell me you love me, and then so easily forget me? Why tell me you love me when you knew you would leave me? The pain you caused is finally easing, and now only comes in giant waves that crash around me instead of the constant torrential beating downpour like rain during a storm. The kind of love shared was like that of a movie...beautiful, perfect, but never meant to be. I look back and wish I would have chosen differently because there are days that I cannot see past you, my mistake... or see past the dull ache and loss. I would rather have continued living my life not knowing you than to have you always in the shadows of my mind.

And then there are days that I am thankful for the moment of you and I, and am grateful for the life lesson. There are days that I feel hopeful and anticipate love again... as quickly as hope comes, it, too, leaves. And I am again left with the overwhelming feeling of never being the same, never letting myself love or be loved, and of feeling like i'm standing in the desert, desperate for renewal.

I wonder, if I run then will I ever out-run this feeling? Will I ever feel whole, or able to love and be loved in return? Will I break free of this downward spirally abyss that I can't pull myself out of? I've looked back at all these wasted years, and have realized the pattern of my mistakes.

Always choosing the hard path.

Will I ever be on a different path?

bitterness

i've not been myself for sometime.... I feel like I've been in a deep, dark, dense fog; the fog is finally lifting. As that fog disperses, I see things a little differently than I did before. One such thing is that I've become bitter. The bitterness is not outwardly noticeable, but deep inside it is quite evident.

I'm bitter towards thin people.

I'm bitter towards love.

I'm bitter towards where I am in life.

I don't want to be bitter. I'd like to go back to being slightly naive and happy. I want to feel hopeful and not like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I dont' want to worry about money or if i'll ever find love or have a family. I want to feel like i've led a full, wide, vibrant life. Right now I feel like i'm letting myself down, as well as others. I don't feel vibrant; life is passing me by. I'm hesitant to let people into my life, and my heart. The guys i do let get close to me I know that, in the end, it won't work out... Guys that are available and wonderful, i'm not interested in. And gals? i sometimes feel competitive, not as pretty, and less in general- even though I shouldn't.

Why do I feel this way? I don't know. I'm smart. I'm pretty. I can even be funny. :) I'm empathetic, loving, and stubborn. People like me, but I let my fear and insecurity get the better of me. I've often taken the easy route simply because I can. I want to be a person that looks back on her life without regrets, thinking that I wouldn't change a thing. Unfortunately, as I think back over even the last 5 years, I have regrets. There are several things I would do differently. Mistakes I've made that I would choose not to do over and lessons I could do without learning the hard way.

Since this is real life, I can't rewind and change parts of my life. I'm learning how to forgive myself, and let go of the things I cannot change in my past. I have to trust that God has forgiven me of my sins, big and small, and that He loves me No Matter What. I have to believe that no matter how far *I* feel that I've strayed, it's never too far from Him. It's funny how sometimes it's easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself. There might be people who think that my sins are no big deal, but to me these sins are part of why i've become so bitter.

It's taken time for my "eyes to open" and see that I can let go. I can forgive. And, my life is not dictated by my mistakes. I don't have to be bitter any longer... so I'm working on that :)

default

hmm. I have a default. It makes sense, and explains a few things. I have a default guy. He's the guy that I always go back to when it doesn't work out with other guys. I've programmed myself so that when I "re-boot," I go back to him.

It could be worse, I suppose. He has been the one guy that totally gets who I am and, sometimes, I wonder if he even knows me better than I know myself. He gets my moods. He reads between the lines. My lines. He's funny, has good taste in music, and is incredibly smart. He has a great smile, laugh lines around his eyes, and has one of the best kisses I've ever experienced. So, what's so wrong with this default? Sounds like a good place to go back to, right?

One would think YES. Unfortunately, his great work ethic translates into being a workaholic. I've often wondered if it's really work that occupies his time. Is work really work, or is work someone else? He can go weeks, and yes, even a month or two, and not see me. He used to call all the time, and now i might hear from him 2-3 times a week. He's like the ocean washing up on the sand... he pulls me in and then pushes me away. I will be completely and utterly mad at him, and as soon as I hear his voice my anger dissolves. Why?

Because he's like my favorite old sweatshirt. I love pajamas; I love new pajamas. But still, my favorite thing to wear to bed is my favorite old sweatshirt. It's too big- it hits around mid-thigh, the cuffs are a little ratty and worn, and it's soft and cozy. It's comforting to wear- like a big hug to myself. No matter what new pjs I have... I always go back to that sweatshirt. It's my default. He's my default.

sigh. Life is bittersweet.

8 Things...

The following conversation took place online last week between me and a dear friend who is a police officer, but currently serving overseas... What I ultimately took from the conversation are the 8 things he'd tell the next guy I date.

me: what are you going to do if i date someone? do a background check on him?
police officer: might have to
me: be my chaperone? lol
police officer: oh I like that... pull him over, tell him that:
1. make sure her tv works
2. tell her everday how beautiful she is
2. Look into her eyes and see her soul, and how wonderful she is
4. Love her like you have never loved anything in this world
5. Never borrow ten bucks off of her because she will never let you forget about it
6. And every chance you- get laugh with her
police officer: want me to go on?
me: that's up to you
police officer: oh wait..
me: those are 6 wonderful things that you should definately tell a guy that i date.
me: what?
police officer: 7. Keep her away from the mens underwear isle because she looks at the packages
me: except that YOU keep bringing up the $10, bucks not me
me: LOL i do NOT!!
police officer: Because I feel bad
police officer: lol
me: that's awesome
police officer: you said you do.. how did you know they were there
me: how can you miss it?
police officer: lol wait what number am I on
me: in walmart, they're usually on like a major aisle, and you can't MISS them. #8
police officer: 8. got it
me: you had two #2's though lol
police officer: 8. Be her bestfriend and never keep anything from her
me: #8 is good
police officer: thats what I would tell him.. and listen. DON'T ever settle for anything less
police officer: deal?
me: i promise not to settle
me: deal.

I'm so thankful for friends who love me and make me laugh :)

"hello, goodbye"

I was out of town this weekend, and visited another church. I think it's amazing how God works no matter where you go, because the sermon really spoke to some areas in my life... "Sometimes there are things in our lives that we must say Goodbye to before we can say Hello to something else." Wow. I don't think I was ready to hear it put so simply and plainly- it felt more like it was written on a sign with flashing neon lights. Am I ready and, more importantly, willing to say Goodbye? I don't know. Even when something is bad for you it is hard to give up and let go...

For example, I love chocolate. If I say Goodbye to chocolate then I might say Hello to weight loss. Granted, that is kind of a lame example, but it is to the point... In my life, there are a couple of relationships that I may be better off if I were to say "Goodbye." So, even though I know that there are much better relationships out there waiting on me to say Goodbye to the old and Hello to the new... Why am I still not ready to say Goodbye? I don't know. Probably because it's scary and it means life as I know it will be different... Because it's HARD. It's Complicated. It's messy. It's heartbreaking.

The dictionary defines 'Goodbye' as:1. An acknowledgment at parting, especially by saying "goodbye."2. An act of parting or leave-taking: many sad goodbyes.I don't want to acknowledge the parting. I don't want that particular person to take the action of parting... I want what I want, and sometimes what I want gets in the way of what God is trying to do in my life. What? I should trust God that if I take leave of one thing then I will say Hello to something amazing?? hmm... This brings me back to sermon from Sunday on Luke 5:1-11. :) Here are some notes that I jotted down:

• What miracles are going undone in your life because you passed up the opportunities to trust God?
• Sometimes we trust Him with our spiritual life, but not the rest of our life...
• Sometimes it's safer on the shore (or, so we think).
• Obedience came before the blessing... Peter had to ACT first.
  Recognize that it won't always make sense, but if Jesus says so...
• "I don't get it, but because YOU say so..."
• Are we living, as Christians, too safe of a life?
  

For me, the safe life has been being unhappily content in my life. Ironic, huh? I am generally a happy person, but recently I've been miserable. I've been unhappy because I did say one of the hardest, saddest, depressing Goodbyes to someone I deeply care about. I haven't trusted God that the eventual Hello to someone new will be better than I could imagine. I've jipped myself out of pretty awesome things because I have passed up opportunities to trust Him. (hmmm... I think this is where bittersweet comes into play).

I think I'm ready for the bittersweet Goodbye to turn into a sweet Hello...

bittersweet

Bittersweet is defined as:
1 : something that is bittersweet; especially : pleasure alloyed with pain

Bitter is defined as:
1 a : being or inducing the one of the four basic taste sensations that is peculiarly acrid, astringent, or disagreeable b : distasteful or distressing to the mind 2 : marked by intensity or severity: a : accompanied by severe pain or suffering b : being relentlessly determined c : exhibiting intense animosity d (1) : harshly reproachful (2) : marked by cynicism and rancor e : intensely unpleasant especially in coldness or rawness 3 : expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret

Sweet is defined as:
1 a (1) : pleasing to the taste (2) : being or inducing the one of the four basic taste sensations that is typically induced by disaccharides and is mediated especially by receptors in taste buds at the front of the tongue a : pleasing to the mind or feelings :, agreeable, gratifying —often used as a generalized term of approval b : marked by gentle good humor or kindliness c : fragrant d (1) : delicately pleasing to the ear or eye (2) : played in a straightforward melodic style e : f : very good or appealing 3 : much loved : dear 4 a : not sour, or stale : wholesome

Alloy means the degree of mixture, or a state of union of two components... In other words, bittersweet is the mixture of pleasure and pain.

I recently saw someone whom I will always love and treasure, but that meeting was certainly bittersweet. As pleasurable as it was, it was wrought with such sadness. It's amazing to me that you can be sad and happy and the same time.

That day made me realize that this IS my life. It's bittersweet, and sometimes life IS like a box of chocolates- dark, bittersweet chocolates. At first bite, it's distasteful and then it melts into something so deliciously pleasing to the tongue... There will be pain. There will be sweet moments.

bittersweet...

This is the story of my life.